Hi, I’m Chanel, and 4 years ago, I almost let my pain KILL me…
I wish I could say that I am being drastic, but the truth is… I’M NOT. But it didn’t start four years ago, it started 6 years ago, but I never faced my pain.
I was one of those people that just hid behind my feelings. I had to appear like everything was okay.
Do you know anyone like that? I’d advise if you do to pay closer attention to that person! That was my problem. I hid behind my situation for so long that I never decided to face it.
Let me tell you the story about me….
I was in a relationship pretending to be happy. Now, I’m not suggesting that the whole relationship was just horrible, but I will say that there were more bad moments than good.
I was so used to being in that place of comfort, where the world thought I was happy, but my inner thoughts knew I was unhappy. I had done what the average person does. I conformed to my situation because I thought that was what I deserved.
I was emotionally broken. I allowed Him to get into my mind, and as a result, all of HIS thoughts became mine. I believed every negative statement that he said about me because I allowed him to take control of me. I remember multiple nights feeling inadequate, crying, arguing, and being mentally drained.
I never faced it. We would argue every night, and then the next day, wake up and appear as if everything was okay. It was a movie, and I was the star actress. I really should have gotten an Emmy Award for my star performance.
The problem was… That performance became my life.
I was so hurt, so confused, so lost, and I settled for what I thought I deserved. A man that didn’t respect me, didn’t care about my feelings, didn’t honor our relationship, but I stayed because he uttered the mere words, “I love you.”
I thought because he said it, HE MEANT IT! That’s a mistake a lot of people in the world make today. But I made it over and over and over again until… there was nothing left for me to give.
I ran out… I ran out of patience, care, love…. I ran out of being able to play my character, so I left. I had no choice. I met the girl face to face that he’d replaced me with while still claiming to be in a relationship with me. I felt betrayed, hurt, frustrated, angry, and there was nothing I could do. Have you ever felt like that? I wanted him to feel what I felt. I WANTED REVENGE, but I couldn’t make him feel that way. I just walked away and pretended like I was okay! I never faced it! I just tried to cover it up.
Pain will catch up with you no matter how far you try to run!
That was a lesson I learned. . .
What did I do? I did what any person in that situation would do. I tried to replace him. I never dealt with it. I just cried internally and every night I felt lonely, but when I was around people, I was okay. I was “happy,” and I was determined to find the “perfect man” to shove right in his face.
The joke was definitely on me.
The journey of replacing him put me in a darker place. I was so outside of “whoever I was supposed to be” that I couldn’t even connect to any of my characters. I was so forgone. I didn’t even know who I was. Instead of facing it, I played with pain.
Pain and I became intertwined. I hurt people that got close to me unintentionally, and I used the people that I tried to replace him with to fill all the voids I didn’t want to face. Ever been there?
It’s real. It’s actually a sign of emotional abuse. Of course, I didn’t know that at the time. I just knew I was lost, and that feeling wasn’t going anywhere. It dug deeper and deeper and deeper…
Which brings me to the first statement I made.
“Hi, I’m Chanel, and 4 years ago, I almost let my pain KILL me…”
That situation spun into character flaws which led to ruined relationships with my friends, parents, and even career relationships. It all had gotten to be just a little TOO MUCH!
I had gotten so overwhelmed that New Year’s of 2013, I was in New Orleans, drunk, with four of my other friends, and here is where pain and I had a head on collision.
I at the age of 23 almost jumped off one of the top floors of the hotel room, and it literally took all four of my friends to pull me back into reality. My inner thoughts took over and I was letting pain win.
You situation may not be as deep as mine was, but the truth is, pain can kill you. Pain makes you do crazy things, and it’s important that we learn to face it … head on, without running.
From that point, I realized that pain couldn’t win ANYMORE! It definitely wasn’t easy, but I took some clear steps that helped me grow from that. I talk about this journey in my book, “Pain Process Purpose”. You don’t have to remain in the pain steps of life… There’s a process that also leads you to PURPOSE.
I shared my story in my book and was very transparent about this process. I want to share some of my points with you…
- Be honest with yourself and God about how you feel. The worst thing that we can do in these situations is avoid the feelings and mask them with a false picture of happiness. In order to grow, we must admit how we feel.
- Take responsibility for your portion of your pain. We can’t go on in the world blaming everyone else for the feelings that we accepted in every situaiton that caused us pain. I know the other party OF COURSE played a role, but part of growing is not thinking about what they did, but thinking about how you can grow and ways that you can change.
- Forgive the people that have hurt you. In order to let go situations, we have to learn to forgive the people that hurt us. Forgiveness will allow those harbored feelings to come out and be released. We are spending too much time being angry, and its time to let it go.
- Be obedient to God’s direction in your life. Sometimes we end up in situations that are not meant for us because we didn’t seek Godly counsel through that situation. But we can’t just seek counsel when we do, we have to listen and obey.
- Surround yourself with a positive inner circle. Be around people who will accept you for who you are. Find the people that will align with your beliefs and be honest with you. They are the friends/family that will love you, constructively criticize you, uplift you, and encourage you through every situation.
I share my story more in depth in my book “Pain Process Purpose” and the workbook companion to the book “Pain Process Purpose Workbook.” You can get them in a bundle together as well. The key to writing this book was transparency, and my goal is that my transparency will help you be transparent with yourself!
I believe that with pain, comes a process, that will help you catapult into your PURPOSE!
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